Are you tired of *ringin’ ‘round Saturn* when your friends are out having a good time? Do the usual trendy bars bore you? Has it been more than a few turns since you had a date? Have you run screaming at the prospect of taking your clothes—much less your skin—off in front of a Hauran?
Then it’s time to get your alien on--and I’m here to tell you how to do it! Just follow these simple steps, and I guarantee your communications satellite will be lighting up the night sky!
Step 1: First of all, you have to want to get your alien on.
Step 2: Positive affirmations are a must. Repeat after me: I am one hot alien. (Repeat as necessary until you can say this without getting your tentacles in a bunch.)
Step 3: Forget everything you’ve ever heard—or learned—about trans-species dating. Recycle—or donate--those guidebooks, manuals, and vid feed.. You need direct experience. You’re on Haura now. . .
Step 4: Recycle all those horrid Hauran outfits! If you’re going to get your alien on, you need to look hot—and that means FIERCE! Release those tentacles with pride! Wear a backless dress so they can see—and touch—your ridges. . .
Step 5: Take risks. They won’t ever get to know the real you if you never show them. Furthermore, how will you ever know you don’t like it if you don’t try it—even group sex with Hauran males has been known to stimulate the most asexual among us.
Note: Avoid showing too much of the real you in public places like McDonald’s, which may not appreciate your use of the special sauce and sesame seeds.
Step 8: When you’ve got your alien on, you are magnetic! Haurans won’t be able to resist you, and will invite you to their social gatherings—even into their habitats! Sozar!
*”Ringin’ ‘Round Saturn” is a loose translation of the Boortean idiom which refers to autostimulation of procreative and other anatomical parts. If someone offers to “’ring you ‘round Saturn”, then they are offering to do this for you—as well as other erotic delights.